Never Too Old To Talk Tech — Elaine Soloway

Apple

Still working, after all these years



Startled, I woke to find my iPad lighting up and levitating. That could only mean one thing. One of my parents, in their 24/7 heavenly abodes, was trying to reach me.
I sat up, unplugged the device from its charger, rested it on my knees, and opened its lime green magnetic cover. Sure enough, via FaceTime, it was my father.
“I tried to reach Ronnie first to congratulate him,” Dad said, “but I don’t think he’s got his WiFi connected yet.”
How I love FaceTime and its ability to display visages of callers -- no matter their celestial locale.
“Did you hear? Ronnie’s sold seven Toyota's, and he’s been working at the dealership less than a month,” Dad said. My father’s face was beaming nearly as much as my Apple device.
For this morning’s phone call, Dad elected to show his circa 1950’s face. That’s the one he wore after he sold the grocery store and was working as a salesman for a meat company. He wore three-piece suits to work -- no more bloody aprons -- a classic Stetson, and his black hair and mustache were slick and neat.
I was about to agree with Dad’s enthusiasm over my brother’s feat, when the FaceTime screen suddenly split in two and up popped Mom’s face.
“What’s so great about him still working in his 70’s?” Mom said. She looked as pretty as ever and like Dad, she had shucked her store apron and was garbed in a shirtwaist dress and high heels -- her attire post-store when she was a switchboard operator at American Linen Supply.
“He should be relaxing on some beach, playing golf, enjoying life, not working 9 to 5," she said. Now, the smile and screen dimmed.
I heard Dad sigh, so I took over. “Hi, Mom,” I said. “I’m still working in my 70’s, too. Both Ronnie and I have been forced to keep going because the economy hurt both of us.”
A laugh from Dad. “Hah, knowing you two, I don’t see a beach in your future. Admit it, you and your brother like working. You like keeping busy, earning a paycheck, kibitzing with coworkers and customers. Don’t tell me different,” he said. “I remember you two in the store. You loved helping out.”
Now it was Mom’s turn to sigh. “Loved? What was there to love? Slaving all day behind a counter. Watching our customers go across the street to the supermarket while they had debts with us? What was fun about that?”
“Look at all the odd jobs our kids had,” Dad said in profile to Mom. “That proves they were hard workers. Remember Sammy’s Red Hots for Ronnie, and his Hawaiian photography business?”
Mom gave a harrumph. “Don’t forget your daughter’s Gap and Apple sidetracks,” she said. “Although I do like these goodies she sent us from the Apple store.” My iPad momentarily rose as I imagined my mother holding it aloft for emphasis.
“Can I speak?” I interrupted. “You’re right. Ronnie and I did inherit some of your entrepreneurial spirit. So maybe we do like working rather than relaxing.”
I saw Dad shake his head. “Oy,” he said, putting a palm to his face. “Even though you say you enjoy working, it’s hard to see you two hit by a rotten economy, just like we were in the ‘40s. Outside forces...”
Mom interrupted. “Outside forces, shmoutside forces. Irv, you're forever blaming supermarkets for our store's collapse. Sure, some of the problems we can blame on them, but give it up already. Admit it - you were a lousy manager."
Dad looked sheepish. He was likely recalling the time spent in the pool hall rather than in the back of the store paying bills.
"And the bookies?" she continued. I stopped her there.
"Listen you two, you're wasting battery life bickering. Let's just call it a draw. You're both right; forces beyond our control bounced Ronnie and me back to the workplace. But, I'm sure he'll admit nothing feels better than making a sale. And I'll own up to delight in scoring a new client. Satisfied?"
Smiles from both. And with that, my iPad's screen faded and my parents disappeared.
Lying back on the pillow, I fell quickly back to sleep. Or…

Why owning an iPhone is like giving birth



I fear I have not been completely honest with those I've urged to purchase an iPhone. Naturally, as is my wont, I regale all with the marvelous features I've come to love: the myriad applications, the ability to text to two daughters at one time, my album of hundreds of photographs of myself and loved ones, the ease of telling the time of day in Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles, and Hawaii, and on and on.

By the time, I finish my litany, I am drenched in sweat and the object of my persuasion is rushing out the door to get to the nearest Apple store. (I have already demonstrated how to find it via Maps.)

But, my daughter Faith, who made me the happiest mother in the world when she purchased an iPhone, recently admonished me for omitting difficulties with the wondrous device. "Oh, I had problems at first, too," I told her when she called to ask a tech question. "In fact, I took the phone back the next day because I found it so frustrating." "Mom," she said testily. "Why didn't you tell me?"

That's when I realized that owning an iPhone is like giving birth. You tend to forget the bad stuff. So, to make it up to Faith and to any other newbies who are about to toss their cell out the window, I'm listing a few problems that, um, may arise with your iPhone, and my solutions. (You could go directly to Apple's Discussion Forum, but isn't this more fun?)

1. Nothing happens when I touch it! It's dead!
No dear ones, your iPhone is not dead, merely frozen. You've likely confused its little computer head by touching too many applications, or doing something to make it quit. But it's easily thawed out. Here's how:

Press and hold the button that's located on the right side on the top of your iPhone. Apple calls it Sleep/Wake, but I call it On/Off. Hold it down until the red slider appears on your screen. Then, slide your finger across the slider. To turn it back on, press and hold that top button until the Apple logo appears. Leave it alone for a few minutes (you may see the little gear revolving) while the phone decides if it wants to work again.

If nothing happens after 5 minutes, press the On button again. But don't hold it down as it will power off again. All should return to normal. Other users say you can unfreeze by holding down the Off/On button at the same time as you hold down the Home/Menu button -- that's the one at the center of the bottom of the phone. If none of these fixes work, call Apple's Service and Support line at 1-800-275-2273.

2. Texting on this thing is impossible!
Let's say you've written an e-mail or text message and you've made an error somewhere in the middle of the copy. After you've erupted in a few @#$%s, calm down. You do not have to go back and erase all of the copy that comes after the error. Simply place your finger on the error until a magnifying glass appears. Do your correction. Return to the last word of your text, put your finger there (consider your finger a mouse that moves a cursor), and babble on.

3. I can't upload a photo to Facebook!
Take a photo with the camera application on your iPhone. It will land in Photos. Download the Facebook app for iPhones from the iTunes App store. Open the Facebook app and when it shows your page, look for a teeny, tiny picture of a camera to the left of the space for a status update. Click on that and select the option Choose From Library. Return to the Photos app, touch the photo you want to upload to Facebook. Add a caption, click upload and before you can say Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, your photo will appear on your Facebook page.

Now that you've learned all this, isn't your iPhone adorable? Doesn't she look just like her mother?